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How to Make All Your Relationships Work
by By Peter S. Reznik, Ph.D. for

Humans are social beings. We are continually in relationship: with our selves, our loved ones, our co-workers, friends and community at large. The quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships. How are your relationships? Are they a source of joy, fun, pleasure, learning and/or fulfillment? Or are they a source of frustration, hurt, disappointment, and/or anger?

If relationships are challenging for you, please consider the possibility that you, like many others, are suffering from a mistaken notion that the purpose of relationship is to love and to be loved.

So much is invested into:

  • "If she loves me how can she ... ?"
  • "Why is my friend doing so and so ... ?"
  • "How could my friend say this ... ?"
  • "Why is my boss so unfair?"

Accounts payable and accounts receivable are held meticulously for every hurt and every infraction. I am exaggerating. But not too much.

Our Purpose is to Discover Our True Identity

Consider the possibility that our purpose in all our relationships is not about giving and receiving love but instead to discover our true identity -- to find out who we really are.
As we see all our best and worst qualities being displayed before our eyes -- nothing will do it so clearly as being in a relationship -- we have an opportunity to choose to "climb the ladder of ourselves," to work toward becoming the best we can become ... or not.

The work on you in a relationship is quite simple. Keep in mind the principle underlying every spiritual tradition: "As above so below." This principle of the mirror, in which inner and outer are reflections of one another, teaches us that whatever or whoever we encounter in our lives, is the reflection of our own qualities, impulses, or beliefs.

Think of a person you really appreciate and, most likely, the qualities you like in this person are the qualities you like about yourself.

Live on the East Coast? Be Sure to Attend Dr. Reznik's Seminar,
"DreamWork: Reading the Hieroglyph of the Mind"

If you live on the East Coast, you don't want to miss Dr. Peter Reznik's highly acclaimed one-day workshop, "DreamWork: Reading the Hieroglyph of the Mind."

Have you ever wondered:

  • Why do we have dreams?

  • What do your dreams mean?

  • Where do the images in your dreams come from?

  • Why do some dreams reoccur?

  • Why do we have nightmares?

  • How can one stop disturbing dreams?

Then don't miss this event by widely respected pioneer in the field, Dr. Reznik. By understanding the language and the symbolism of your dreams you will gain understanding of how the hidden parts of your personality affect your daily life. You will learn to engage your dreams as a way of solving life's puzzles and conflicts, and as a way of bringing yourself to wholeness and awareness.

When: 1st One-Day Workshop: Sunday, July 17 (9:30 A.M. to 5:30 P.M.) or
2nd One-Day Workshop: Sunday, Sunday, July 24 (9:30 A.M. to 5:30 P.M.)
Where: July 17 workshop: New York City. July 24 workshop: Suffern, NY.
Cost: $ 150
For Info: For July 17 workshop phone 212 534-7155. For July 24 workshop phone 845 357-8223
To Register: Send your check for $150 per person, your choice of dates/locations, and your name, telephone, and email address to: Peter Reznik 1070 Park Ave., Suite 1-E, New York, NY 10128

"Tell me what your dreams are, and I will tell you not only who you are, but who you can become."
- Moses Maimonides

Now think about someone you do not like. You may discover that this person possesses qualities that you do not like about yourself, or have not yet recognized existing within you. People who possess those negative qualities will keep appearing in your life until you recognize the true message. Once you do, you may choose to work to weed out the qualities of yourself that you least appreciate.

Does this mean that if you have been victimized, you are a person who victimizes others? Perhaps. Or, it may mean that you victimize yourself, constantly criticizing yourself or not giving yourself enough credit for the hard work you do. When trying to understand meaning, look in broad terms.

If there is a thief in your surroundings see in what way you might be "stealing" too. Are you taking something that does not belong to you? Are you involved in a project that will take something away from someone? Are you making promises that you know you can't keep therefore making others wait in vain? This last example is the most severe form of stealing because time is the only thing you can never repay.

Making It Work!

The next time you see a person with whom you have a challenging relationship here are four steps you can take:

  1. Mentally say to yourself, "Here comes my teacher."

  2. Become aware of what qualities in this person are most irritating to you and try to identify in what ways these qualities reflect your own tendencies.

  3. Remind yourself that this person, though a "teaching tool" for you, has his/her individual journey, and was this way before you, is this way with you, and will be this way after you. So, do not take it personally.

  4. After having an encounter with this person, whether planned or unexpected, find a quiet place to do this short mental exercise: Close your eyes. Imagine a beam of white light coming out of your chest. As it extends about two feet beyond your body, see it curving to your right till it makes a complete circle around you. See the person in the distance. Breathe out gently and see your circle of light expanding in all directions until it embraces the person, and as it does, see the person lifting his/her eyes at you and smiling. Then open your eyes. Do this exercise for one week.

Improving the Quality of Your Romantic Relationships

Those who have been in a committed relationship know that challenges always come up. And when you have children, there are even bigger challenges. Sometimes there are arguments and tension, but consider this. The moment there is a threat to a child's welfare, all disagreements are instantly put aside, and you rush to save the child. Isn't it true?

When two people enter a committed relationship there are no longer only two entities. The two give birth to a third entity. They give birth to a baby. This baby is the relationship itself.

And the only way this baby can survive, grow and mature, is if the individual ego of each partner is less important than the baby and are immediately cast aside when the welfare of the baby -- of the relationship -- is threatened.

One of the ways to help your romantic relationship thrive is to have regular "state of the union" dialogues. That is, once a week create a special time (it may be only 10-15 minutes), during which you sit in front of each other and ask questions like "Where are we as a couple?" and "Has there being anything that we must discuss?"

If one or both of the partners has grievances the other is not to explain why they did what they did, unless they are specifically asked, but to say, "I am sorry this {whatever the problem is} made you feel uncomfortable, what can I do to make things better for you?"

A "state of the union" discussion will be most fruitful when sharing statements are used, as opposed to accusations. Try your best to focus on the following:

  1. How you feel (not what your partner did to you).

  2. What makes you uncomfortable (not how insensitive your partner acted).

  3. Which of your needs are not satisfied.(not what your partner is lacking).

  4. What steps you feel your partner could make that would make it better.

It is also very important to acknowledge your partner's feelings and needs, and to offer ways in which you can meet those needs.

If you feel angry before speaking to your partner do the following mental

Close your eyes and breathe out gently three times. Long slow exhalations. Nice and easy inhalations. Breathing out twice as slow as breathing in. Now, find yourself inside of your anger; in any way you can see it. Sense and feel yourself being totally surrounded by it. Breathe out one time. Knowing that anything is possible, find your way out of anger, and look at it from the distance. Decide what you want to do with it; you can burn it, you can burry it in the earth, you can sink it in the ocean, or you can let it be taken by the wind. Do it. Breathe out one time. Bring into the newly vacated space something beautiful. When ready, open your eyes.

Above all remember the mirror principle is true for any relationship, particularly for close ones. Most often your partner possesses qualities that you need to develop, and you posses qualities that he/she needs. Your partner is your teacher/student. Make your life lesson enjoyable.

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  • Identify the Three Major Sources of Stress and embark on a practice for transforming your stress into life-enhancing experiences.

  • Choose from a menu of 14 Short Mental Imagery Exercises for addressing such stressors as: Anger. Anxiety. Being Hurt. Being Overwhelmed. Decision Making. Difficulties letting go of the workday. Disappointment. Fear of unwanted consequences. General anxiety about life. Guilt or regret about an error made during the day. Restless mind. Sadness. Time pressure. Worry.

  • Learn and practice the Physical Stress uster series, designed for use right at your desk.

  • Use the Mind-Body Progressive Relaxation to shift gears, replenish your energy, and increase your vitality and clarity of mind.

Read More Now About the Value-Priced CD Now
(including what leading experts have to say!)

Dr. Peter Reznik is a new contributing editor whose insightful articles, like the one below, will appear routinely in the free e-newsletter. Dr. Reznik is a staff member of the Schachter Center for Complementary Medicine, and a faculty member of the American Institute of Mental Imagery. A former director of the Petrie Institute of Hypnosis, and consultant to the American Health Foundation, he has practiced psychotherapy and conducted wellness seminars for twenty-five years in the former USSR, Israel, France and the United States. You can read more about Dr. Reznik following his article below.

Dr. Reznik's highly recommended CD, Staying Healthy in a Stressful World: a Complete Manual for Self-Mastery and Freedom from Stress, provides listeners his widely recognized expertise in mind/body integrative therapy, behavior modification, mental imagery, dream work, clinical hypnosis, and holistic counseling, enabling them to do exactly as the title indicates: dramatically reduce stress and achieve health and wellness in a high-stress world.
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